push yourself to get up before the rest of the world - start with 7am, then 6am, then 5:30am. go to the nearest hill with a big coat and a scarf and watch the sun rise.
2. push yourself to fall asleep earlier - start with 11pm, then 10pm, then 9pm. wake up in the morning feeling re-energized and comfortable.
3. erase processed food from your diet. start with no lollies, chips, biscuits, then erase pasta, rice, cereal, then bread. use the rule that if a child couldn’t identify what was in it, you don’t eat it.
4. get into the habit of cooking yourself a beautiful breakfast. fry tomatoes and mushrooms in real butter and garlic, fry an egg, slice up a fresh avocado and squirt way too much lemon on it. sit and eat it and do nothing else.
5. stretch. start by reaching for the sky as hard as you can, then trying to touch your toes. roll your head. stretch your fingers. stretch everything.
6. buy a 1L water bottle. start with pushing yourself to drink the whole thing in a day, then try drinking it twice.
7. buy a beautiful diary and a beautiful black pen. write down everything you do, including dinner dates, appointments, assignments, coffees, what you need to do that day. no detail is too small.
8. strip your bed of your sheets and empty your underwear draw into the washing machine. put a massive scoop of scented fabric softener in there and wash. make your bed in full.
9. organise your room. fold all your clothes (and bag what you don’t want), clean your mirror, your laptop, vacuum the floor. light a beautiful candle.
10. have a luxurious shower with your favourite music playing. wash your hair, scrub your body, brush your teeth. lather your whole body in moisturiser, get familiar with the part between your toes, your inner thighs, the back of your neck.
11. push yourself to go for a walk. take your headphones, go to the beach and walk. smile at strangers walking the other way and be surprised how many smile back. bring your dog and observe the dog’s behaviour. realise you can learn from your dog.
12. message old friends with personal jokes. reminisce. suggest a catch up soon, even if you don’t follow through. push yourself to follow through.
14. think long and hard about what interests you. crime? sex? boarding school? long-forgotten romance etiquette? find a book about it and read it. there is a book about literally everything.
15. become the person you would ideally fall in love with. let cars merge into your lane when driving. pay double for parking tickets and leave a second one in the machine. stick your tongue out at babies. compliment people on their cute clothes. challenge yourself to not ridicule anyone for a whole day. then two. then a week. walk with a straight posture. look people in the eye. ask people about their story. talk to acquaintances so they become friends.
16. lie in the sunshine. daydream about the life you would lead if failure wasn’t a thing. open your eyes. take small steps to make it happen for you.
like all your friends go out and do things and get into relationships and like people that like them back and have fun and do stupid things with their best friends and instead of doing all that you’re just sort of this mildly entertaining thing that people take an interest in once in a while but they wouldn’t really care if it was gone
like you just sort of exist but you don’t really mean anything
im dying of period cramps on the sofa and i heard someone in the kitchen and assumed it was my mom so i yelled I CAN FEEL MY UTERUS PULSING HELP and my dad came into the room with the most horrified expression on his face
There’s something you must understand. If I sing to you, if I lay in your arms and play a song and cling to you as I sing, I am pouring out my heart, baring my soul to you. I will make myself cry, I will be touched in the very deepest core of my being, by the words of a song. If I speak those words to you, I will mean every one, each syllable and line will be sent to your ears as a message that my love-scrambled mind could not form all by itself. Please listen in the quiet, listen with everything you are, and hear the melody and the meaning, close your eyes and shhhhh…
Music is my love language, my heartbeat, my oxygen, the source of my entire existence, and in my blood. Music soothes me, energizes me, calms me, arouses me, and breathes life into me.
If you don’t connect to the music this way, it’s alright. But feel my body, read my eyes, and decipher what the songs do to me. Let me hold you, kiss you, grip you, and love you, through a endless playlist of songs that run through my mind and through speakers, the soundtrack of who I am, the background music for our story. Let notes on a page become my fingertips on your skin, every lyric translated onto your body in whatever way it moves me. If you feel me shrink, if I subtly invite you, take the lead, kiss me through choruses and move to the rhythm of every verse. Wipe away my tears, and know that I cry only because my feelings leak out.
And sing to me. Oh please sing to me. Whisper in my ear, kiss me every other word, rock me like your baby, any way you choose. I will either curl up in bliss and fall asleep, or lose my mind in perfect harmonious pleasure, whichever mood you’re in.
Music moves my mind, my body, my spirit, my life. You are loved if I share this with you.